Changing My F-Word

When I was in high school, I got into a very serious debate with one of my friends. Honestly, I don’t even remember what we argued about—it might have been something trivial or deeply personal—but I do remember the intensity. Voices were raised, eyes were rolled, indignations were sighed.

We never did reach an understanding, and as the saying goes, we agreed to disagree.

I was rattled by the experience and couldn’t stop thinking about it all day. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t get over the fact that this person, who was supposed to be my friend, just couldn’t see things from my perspective. It was frustrating, consuming, and kept me in a bad mood.

The next morning, I was riding the train with my mentor into Toronto for a workshop. Clearly, I was still visibly in a funk because he asked me what was bothering me.

I explained the situation with my friend and how frustrating it was that he couldn’t see my side of things.

My mentor listened carefully and then gave me one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received.

“Change your F-word,” he told me. “You’re trapping yourself in a cage of your own making. It’s natural to be frustrated, but you might give yourself some relief by turning frustration into fascination.”

I entertained the suggestion. I asked myself, “How fascinating is it that someone I consider a close friend could struggle to understand my perspective? How fascinating is it that despite feeling like I was crystal clear, I was still misunderstood?”

Like magic, I felt my mood and energy shift.

Changing my F-word helped me get out of blame and spite and into a space of inquiry and understanding. By viewing the problem through the lens of fascination, I gained some appreciation for the complexity of communication and developed a sense of empathy for the frustration my friend was probably feeling with me. 

It’s become a staple in my thinking-practice toolkit. When I’m stuck in traffic, when I’m upset by something I read in the news, or when I’m struggling to complete a task, I switch frustration to fascination and turn anger into curiosity. I see things from a fresh perspective and begin to work with them, rather than against them.

Of course, frustration, anger, and spite are real and valid emotions, and they should be given their time. But when you want to move past them, try changing your F-word: turn frustration into fascination and notice what happens.

It’s my hope that you’ll not only better understand the nature of the problem you’re facing, but also gain clarity on a possible solution.

*I believe Ben and Rosamund Stone Zander also advised readers to change their f-words in the fantastic book The Art of Possibility.